Hey, vidalia onions? Fuck you.
You're all like, "Heyyyy, look at meeee, I am sooo nice. I am not oniony AT ALL." Well, y'know what? You're an onion -- be an onion!
"But I'm so sweet!"
If I want sweet, I will eat an apple dipped in powdered sugar. Your motto should be: Vidalias. The onion for people who do not like onions. You are like a ball of white bread.
"That's okay. You can call me that. I'm so nice and accommodating."
Vidalia onions, you have no self-respect. It's just sad.
Sincerely,
Jordan
P.S. If you want to know how an onion should behave, white onions are where it's at. You could learn a lot from white onions.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Open Letter to Reply Notification Checkbox
Dear Checkbox in Message Boards that Notifies Me by Email of Replies to My Post,
I appreciate you and I wanted to let you know. Only a few years ago, you were not on most forums. I had to keep checking to see if posts I had commented on had received any follow-up posts. For the hour or two after I posted, I suppose this wasn't such a big deal. But after a day or so, I would have to first remember where the hell I had posted in the first place, then find the url or bookmark, navigate to the correct forum, and scour through posts to find mine. Sure, I could have bookmarked the specific thread...but who wants a whole damn list of bookmarked threads that become irrelevant after a week or two?
And then, I would often forget about the thread entirely, especially if it wasn't particularly active. Who knows how many posts out there have another answer or two that I never read? It makes me sad to think about that information I am missing out on.
But you, Reply Notification Checkbox, you have changed all of this. Now, I post, check you, and go about my life in a carefree fashion. Well...not carefree exactly, but no less carefree than usual.
Even weeks or months later, when someone posts, I know about it. Each time I get an email saying there's a new post to be read, I feel a little thrill.
I do have one minor suggestion. It would be nice if you were available even for threads I have not posted to. Sometimes, I want to keep tabs on a discussion, but don't necessarily have anything to add. Yes, I could just say "great thread!" or something, but that would be kind of lame, wouldn't it? Anyway, just a thought. It's not a criticism; it's really that I just want MORE of you.
Keep it up! You're awesome! And...thanks.
Sincerely,
Jordan
I appreciate you and I wanted to let you know. Only a few years ago, you were not on most forums. I had to keep checking to see if posts I had commented on had received any follow-up posts. For the hour or two after I posted, I suppose this wasn't such a big deal. But after a day or so, I would have to first remember where the hell I had posted in the first place, then find the url or bookmark, navigate to the correct forum, and scour through posts to find mine. Sure, I could have bookmarked the specific thread...but who wants a whole damn list of bookmarked threads that become irrelevant after a week or two?
And then, I would often forget about the thread entirely, especially if it wasn't particularly active. Who knows how many posts out there have another answer or two that I never read? It makes me sad to think about that information I am missing out on.
But you, Reply Notification Checkbox, you have changed all of this. Now, I post, check you, and go about my life in a carefree fashion. Well...not carefree exactly, but no less carefree than usual.
Even weeks or months later, when someone posts, I know about it. Each time I get an email saying there's a new post to be read, I feel a little thrill.
I do have one minor suggestion. It would be nice if you were available even for threads I have not posted to. Sometimes, I want to keep tabs on a discussion, but don't necessarily have anything to add. Yes, I could just say "great thread!" or something, but that would be kind of lame, wouldn't it? Anyway, just a thought. It's not a criticism; it's really that I just want MORE of you.
Keep it up! You're awesome! And...thanks.
Sincerely,
Jordan
Friday, March 16, 2007
Open Letter to Pickled Herring in Sour Cream
Dear Pickled Herring in Sour Cream,
You are so, so delicious. Other things are delicious, too -- some of them in multiple ways. But you! You are delicious in over 6 ways.
They say you are one of those foods you have to grow up with to enjoy, but I don't know. I mean, sure, you're a little...unusual. But I would think that anyone willing to give you a shot would overcome that unusualness pretty quick. It's part of what makes you, you.
Do you remember the time I went to that Yom Kippur break fast at Hampshire College? Yeah, it was a while ago. Well, I was feeling a little awkward. A little unsure of whether or not I even wanted to be there. But then, I saw a whole bowl of you. You made me feel safe and, ultimately, a lot less hungry.
Pickled Herring in Sour Cream, thank you for being there for me then, now and always.
Sincerely,
Jordan
You are so, so delicious. Other things are delicious, too -- some of them in multiple ways. But you! You are delicious in over 6 ways.
- Sweet -- Because corn syrup makes everything better.
- Tangy -- Both in terms of vinegariness and sour creamitude.
- Salty -- You are of the sea, after all.
- Creamy -- Sure, you're high in fat, but I eat you in such small portions, for you are just a snack!
- Crunchy -- Whoever thought of putting onions in you should get the Nobel Food Prize. Sometimes, I add more onions to the jar! That's a lie. But I have thought about it.
- Chewy -- You are a special kind of chewy: The kind of chewy that really makes me want to chew. Thank you for your special chewiness.
They say you are one of those foods you have to grow up with to enjoy, but I don't know. I mean, sure, you're a little...unusual. But I would think that anyone willing to give you a shot would overcome that unusualness pretty quick. It's part of what makes you, you.
Do you remember the time I went to that Yom Kippur break fast at Hampshire College? Yeah, it was a while ago. Well, I was feeling a little awkward. A little unsure of whether or not I even wanted to be there. But then, I saw a whole bowl of you. You made me feel safe and, ultimately, a lot less hungry.
Pickled Herring in Sour Cream, thank you for being there for me then, now and always.
Sincerely,
Jordan
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